Friday, December 12, 2008

A sample of gruyere with a side of feces.

Yes, I know the title is pretty disgusting but it's the truth. Read on.

You know what grosses me out at the grocery store? Those unmanned free sample displays. You know, the ones that are usually under a little plastic bubble lid…like that matters. Sometimes there is a hole in the lid that allows you to stick your hand in there and other times you have to lift the lid and grab the food with either your fingers or a toothpick.
They are often placed on the deli counter without any cover what so ever, just begging for people to sneeze and cough all over them.

There are three main reasons why free food samples are gross:

1. The clean toothpicks are often next to the dirty toothpick box. I have SEEN people grab a dirty toothpick, hopefully by mistake, and use it to spear a small square of ham. I have also seen people discard a dirty toothpick in the clean toothpick box. Ew. Can we say “mononucleosis?”
Watch where you put that toothpick buddy. I have a strong feeling you have a cold sore hiding in that mouth of yours.

2. People do not always wash their hands after they use the bathroom. When they do, they don’t always use the correct method. Ask yourself this, “do I always use a paper towel to turn the sink off?” If the answer is “no” then you are doing it wrong. If you answered “yes” then ask yourself this follow up question, “do I get the paper towel out of the dispenser before I start the hand washing process?” If you don’t, and if the dispenser is not an automatic/hands free device, then you are still doing it wrong. See, after you wash your hands you are canceling it out if you touch either of those items. YOU ARE! And don’t try and fight back with “what about the air dryer?” crap because those do more harm than good. Seriously, they increase the level of bacteria on your hands. I avoid those bad boys like the plague. Oh, and don’t forget about opening the door with a paper towel. Otherwise, you are probably picking up urine and fecal matter because the bozo before you did not wash their hands. Anyway, my point is that these people use the potty, don’t wash properly and then they sift through the tortilla chips that are on display. G-R-O-S-S! (P.S., how many times have you tried to wash your hands in a public bathroom only to discover that the hot water is not working? Plenty of times, I’m sure. That is why you should carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer with you).

3. How long has that dip been on display? Did somebody forget to change it out? Is it spoiled now? Am I going to get food poisoning? Not me. Not now, not never because I won’t touch that crap.

Having said all of that, I have been known to take a free sample at Costco if there is a person there monitoring the process. Said person MUST be wearing gloves and a hairnet, like this lady:

And yes, wine samples are always accepted. Always.


Blogger j3 said...

While my defenses are made of steel and I could probably handle someones fecals or urinals, my biggest issue is exiting the bathrooms after washing my hands especially when there's no recepticle next to the door. I just stand there waiting for someone to walk in and, when they do, I stop the door with my shoe or shoulder and push my way through. I've turned into a germaphobe in my years. Don't know where I got it. I used to eat dog shit in the back yard when I was a little tike thinking they were brownies. Now I can't figure out how to exit public bathrooms without getting that "EW" sensation all over me. I actually shiver everytime I leave a public restroom. It's weird.

Just kidding about the dog turds. I never ate dog turds. That was meant for metaphorical impact.

4:41 AM  
Blogger "Miss Bee" said...

A place we go for happy hour did not have soap in the bathroom for 3 weeks. Not kidding. That is when the portable hand sanitizer comes in handy. (Actually, I have switched to handy-wipes, because I like to wipe off the grocery cart before I push it around.)

And I admit, I do take the cheese and food samples at Specs. Go getcha some of that. Mmmmmm.

9:47 AM  
Blogger sarahsmile3 said...

Jeff, I think your post was more entertaining than my blog. DAMN YOU, J3!

3:26 PM  
Blogger sarahsmile3 said...

Ew, you will tell me which place this is. Is it the one the Webbs no longer go to because of Cooper discrimination?

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Colin said...

Man, you need to have a drink and relax.

3:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also learned on Oprah that you should sing "Happy Birthday" while washing your hands as it's the perfect amount of time. At the right speed....

I can NEVER turn down the cheese samples....I have a cheese addiction. :-( In NYC I dried my hands on my scarf b/c there were no towels...hee Still gross, I know, but this just reminded me of it....It was at Radio City...

3:13 PM  

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