Thursday, June 27, 2013

Tall Tax

My husband has been 6'3" since he was in the 7th grade. Can you imagine?  The average height of a 13 year old boy is 5'1 3'/4" (source). Young Dale towered over his friends. Now remember, kids at this age have an underdeveloped sense of humor.  All jokes have to do with a persons physical appearance.
 I am sure he had to hear about his height at least a dozen times a day. As a result, his shoulders slope down a little because he used to try to make himself appear shorter.
 I am pretty tall myself...just about 5'9". When I wear heels, look out! Amazon in the area! In my early twenties, I avoided wearing anything with a heel over 1 inch. I bought a fabulous pair boots with 3" heels but never wore them out. I would try them on and walk around the house, posing infront of the mirror and doing my best dance moves (and karate kicks) in the kitchen. My good friend and roommate, Clint, asked me why I never wore my heeled boots when we went out. I told him it was because they made me too tall....people stared at me like I was a freak. He said, "WHO CARES? LET THEM STARE. YOU ARE NOT A FREAK, YOU'RE AN AMAZON DARLING!" And with that, I put on my heels and never looked back.
Well, I looked back a little I guess. In my mid-twenties, I had a roommate that was probably 5'1". When I wore heels around her, I looked like a giant. I kept this in mind when trying on shoes. I would put on the heels in the store,  look for a short lady and stand next to her so I could get an idea of how much taller I appeared. If it looked like she was a child and I was a professional basketball player, I would put the shoes back and look for a smaller heel.
Around my husband, I can wear any size heel I want and he is still taller than me. I LOVE THIS! When I wear my tallest of heel, and I am with husband, we make quite the pair of giants. We don't notice it until we are around short folks. One time, we went to this shop to buy a hummel figurine for his mom. The shop was small and packed from floor to ceiling with brick-a-brac. The shop owner even had items hanging from the ceiling.  I was wearing my tall shoes when Dale and I walked in. We had to crouch down a little to avoid hitting the hanging ceramic cherubs with our heads. The shop owner herself was also very small. I felt like I was in a hobbit home. She approached us with her heard cocked back and her eyes wide and said, "Oh are both so tall!"

For my husband, being tall has it's credits and it's deficits. He can reach the top shelf in the store, but the average shower head is going to spray him in the neck and not the top of his head. He iseasy to locate in a crowd, but if he is at a concert he has to pay the TALL TAX.

Ah yes, the tall tax. The tall tax at a concert is what you must pay for being tall and blocking the view of many of the people behind you. If you ask him nicely, my husband will let your short self infront of him so that you can see the stage better. Now you are infront of him and he is further from the stage. Tall tax.  Not everyone is nice at a concert.  He has had ice thrown at his head before,  just for being tall. Tall tax. People have yelled things at him. Tall tax. At Robert Plant, somebody took their finger and pressed it into his back right where he recently had a mole removed. He turned around and made eye-contact with all the short bastards behind him to see if anyone would fess up. No one did. Bunch of cowards. He told me about this after the concert while we were on our way back to the car. Smart choice. If he told me during the show I would have lost my shit. I told him he was done paying the tall tax.  "It's BULLSHIT!" I yelled. When then came up with the following shirts that we should have made for him to wear to all concerts:
 photo shorty1_zps082f4dfe.jpg

Or how about this one?
 photo shorty2_zpse47952bf.jpg

Maybe the text has to be lower on the this:
 photo shorty3_zps879d2dc4.jpg


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