Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Pain Pills

Call them "pain pills"or "Hydrocodone" or "Vicodin." It does not matter to me because they are one in the same.

What does matter is that I take them monthly. Not daily, but not a month goes by that my system is completely free of pain pills. I make myself stop using them for about a week to two weeks straight. Then, I get back on for 3-4 days (the typical length of my
pain cycle). I get off for a few days, and back on. Then off for two weeks.

I know it makes many of my friends uncomfortable to know that I take pain pills to manage my pain.
I can see it in their face when I talk about my pain and how I manage it.

This is what my face looks like right now:
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I am currently on a no-pain pill week and I am experiencing day 2 of a 3-4 day cycle. It is so excruciating I can hardly function. At times, I feel like even breathing hurts. I am in bed with a heating pad and an ice pack.
A glass of wine.

The pain pill bothers people but the following treatments don't:
I wake up and stretch every morning. I walk every afternoon. I lay on a therapeutic half-roll almost every day. I soak in a hot bath. I have religiously tried many different physical therapy programs. Yoga. Chiropractor. Rolfing. Craniosacral massage. Cupping. Pilates. A change in diet (sugar free, dairy free, no processed foods, etc.) I've tried this muscle relaxer and that muscle relaxer. Lyrica. Tramadol. SURGERY. Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation. Massage. Prayer. Steroid shots to my nerve endings and directly into my spinal cord. Animal Sacrifice.

Ok, I've never tried that last one. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Point is, they all may help a little here and there but this pain is relentless. I am going back to two of my doctors in March to try and figure out what is happening to me. Is there something else going on? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

I am not an addict. I know that people think, "wow, Sarah has used pain pills to manage her pain for a long time. She must be addicted."
Might I politely offer the following statement:
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I'm sorry. I apologize for the strong language and the anger. Being in this amount of pain can give me a short fuse.

What I won't do is apologize for my pain.
I will not feel ashamed for managing it with a pill (in addition to everything else). I am not an addict. I have actually gone down in dosage rather than up. I take myself off for the week or two to keep it that way.

There are days, like today, when the pain is so bad I think I would like to be in a coma. To feel......nothing. For the briefest of moments, death crosses my mind. I hate that this is for real and I am not planning on taking myself out. It must be something both psychological and biological. A self destruct mechanism we are not supposed to know about.

I didn't ask for this. I have tried almost everything to make it better.




Blogger sarahsmile3 said...

Note- This post was written a few days ago and posted just yesterday. I thought I had posted it when I wrote it, but I guess it was stuck in my drafts. Any-hoo, I am feeling fine right now. Ok, that's a lie. Currently, I am laying on two ice packs and counting the minutes until I can have some more ibuprofen. But, I am feeling better than when this post was written, so that's good.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Miss Bee said...

If it makes you feel any better, I think you are a rock star! You do a great job of managing your pain, although I do hope your doctors can eventually tell you WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON.

5:36 PM  
Blogger sarahsmile3 said...

Miss Bee, you are good stuff.

3:00 PM  

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