My Bad

A comment from Amy:
"I am deeply offended. I was out of town for a week, only to come back ready to catch up on my friend's hilarious blog: she was listing random facts about all of her friends...but no mention of the girl who made her cut off her brother's sleeves in the kitchen. Or believed that she wrote "Stairway to Heaven". Or gave her lonestar beer lovin' husband's car a jump in a Lubbock parking lot. Whatever. Bitch.


--You know I'm kidding, right?"


Dear Amy,
Thank you for referring to my blog as “hilarious”. What a compliment considering it comes from one of the funniest gals I know. I am sorry I neglected to include you in my TELL IT ALL blog.
Let me make up for it, ok?

#1. “There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven”
I did convince Amy that I wrote the Lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven”. In high school, I had written them out on notebook paper and slid that paper behind the plastic of my notebook so that they would properly be displayed for all to see. Amy, not yet being a Zeppelin fan, complimented me on the lyrics. I told her that I wrote them. She thought it was a poem. HAHAHAH

#2. Amy never eats a complete French fry. She bites the fry leaving the piece that she held with the finger for the trash.

#3. When at a table, let’s say at a bar or club, Amy HAS to arrange everything just so. The pack of cigs must be in proper alignment with the lighter, the coasters, and the napkin holder. Sometimes, I mess everything up when she goes to the bathroom just so I can watch her arrange things again. Can you say, OCD?

#4. Amy prefers baths over showers. She likes to sprawl out in the tub and read as the water begins to rise.

#5. Amy grew up eating hamburgers made with regular sandwich bread instead of buns. I have tried this method and it is AWESOME.

#6. Amy is a big fan of “teen movies”. She liked Lindsay Lohan before most of you knew who that was.

#7. If you work at a bar and do not know how to make a Chilton, which is probably the case unless you work in Lubbock, then Amy will teach you how to make it…..and it BETTER BE RIGHT!

#8. When driving down the highway, it would not be a surprise to find Amy singing at the top of her lungs to “Behind these hazel eyes” by Kelly Clarkson.

#9. I just found out today that Amy recently made $20.00 by kissing strangers.

#10. Amy is a terrific writer and should have a blog of her own. The world is missing out.

What a good looking couple

Drunk

what it is, what it is

So, Whatever! My picture does not match my post! However, I have always abided by the rule of a picture with every post so I am fucking posting a picture for you on this post by the way has the lack of periods and commas clued you into the fact that I am not sober while I am typing this to you? Whew! I hear fireworks going off right now. Seriously, fucking fireworks. We are not even in JULY yet people, and the fucking fireworks have started. Gentle Jesus, please guide me through the white trash holiday that is the fourth of JULY.
Having said that, I must tell you that I LOVE the 4th of July. Does that make me white trash? Possibly…a little bit yes. Still, there are many Americans who CHERISH the 4th. I mean there are the fireworks, the beer, the hot dogs (and hamburgers if you are lucky), the pool side banter, the friends, the chips, the dip, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da.

Is this a good time to tell you that it is 10:15 and I am drunk? Oh yea, that is what is happening. Also, my beloved is asleep. He is ready to take on Dallas tomorrow as we are slated to venture on a rod trip where we will eventually end up at his parent’s house for a much overdue visit. Oh my gosh, I just realized that I already told you that I was drunk earlier in this crazy ass rant. WHA-EVA!

I am making no sense now, and that is quite alright………..
I am going to muster up all that is left of my non-sober mind to post this shit because I think It might be funny. Ohhhhhhhhh, wait….I have a cool blog in mind for ya! It will not happen for a few days, but sooooooooooooon. Is this thing on? Hello? *tap, tap, tap…………..

Somebody likes cheerios!

"more milk please"

I wonder what MoFo Colin is watching as he dines on his cereal?
I wonder if those cheerios are the honey nut kind?
I wonder if this meal is for breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
I guess he likes his cereal with a lot of milk, or his milk with little cereal.
This post is sooooooooooooooo boring. I need to think of something exciting to tell you guys.
*Thinking…………..
Ok, I’ve got it. How about I tell you some little known facts about people I know.

Dale can’t stand the feeling of velvet. Also, his face is crooked because glasses never fit him correctly.

When Rachel, Margaret, and I were little girls we used to pretend that we were living together in a tiny apartment and that we were addicted to drugs. We pretended that the candy we had were the narcotics. Usually, the candy was cherry clan, lemon heads, Mr. watermelon, Johnny apple seed, and boston baked beans.


Colin is completely anal when it comes to his CD’s. Oh and Never, EVER touch a sandwich he is eating unless you want to see him go ape shit.

Clint used to have an imaginary friend named Ploke. Ploke is the ball of light you see when you close your eyes really tight after looking at something bright.
Also, Clint used to make his own weapons when he was younger. Usually, they consisted of sharpened steel that he would weld together.

Laurie saw Dude Where’s My Car TWICE in the MOVIE THEATRE

Trish once lost a bet and had to get her hair cut mullet style. I think most of you know this fact already.

Amanda is not so good at pool, but we love her anyway.

Jeff once made himself sick by drinking a lot of water (or was it milk?) I bet he is glad that I did not bring up the incident that occurred at the playground of DQ in Lubbock…you know, in that ball pitt.

Danny……..when I first started hanging out with him he weighed about 145lbs and could only handle about 5 beers before he would pass out.

Josh Johnson’s favorite batman movie is Batman Returns directed by Tim Burton with Michelle Pheifer as cat woman. (I AGREE)

LeeAngelo Angel of Death Martinez-Palomos used to REALLY dig Sarah Mclaughlin. (“I will remember youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu)

Ok. I better stop here. Thanks for stopping by!

webduke

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So here’s a lil story about a man named Dale
Likes to drink lonestar cause that’s his favorite beer

That is all I have folks. My brain is on vacation today.

My godson lost his first tooth

cute


Just wanted to share. In other news, my gluts are SORE! Damn lunges.

Love Juice, Butt Juice, Bug Juice

for bugs


Ok, don’t get your panties in a wad over the title of this post. I just wanted to tell you a little story about miscommunication. Don’t fret, it is really short. Last night, I was at Colin and Laurie’s apt watching the Spurs game. Colin, Laurie, Dale, and Tony were all there. During a commercial break I exclaimed in a sing songy manner: “I smell like bug juice and I like it”!
Colin said “Love juice?”
I said, “NO, Bug Juice….gosh”
Tony said, “Oh, I thought you said Butt Juice”.
Sheesh.

So anyway, I hope you are having a good Monday. I am trying to be productive. I went to my apt gym and did some cardio and weight training. I did some lunges and I remembered that I hate to do lunges. They are completely unnatural.

After I post this, I am going to Clean a lil. My bedroom is absolutely disgusting. It is just not called for (the type of mess going on in there. Just check out this pile of clean laundry I have going on in the corner of my room.

It has been there for at least a week and a half. When that is done, I need to go to the grocery store.
How exciting. I just thought you would want to know. You don’t? WELL EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING!

CASTING CALL!

The Urban Geisha Project is officially underway.
Although I could never become completely bored with putting crazy make-up on myself and then posting the pics here for all to see, It has grown a little tiresome. That is why I need your help. Be like my first model, Laurie, and join my project. Take a look at what I have done with her……

Before


and after
This one is reminiscent of a 60’s mod-esque model…..


MoFo Colin thinks Laurie looks like Darryl Hanna’s character from the movie Blade Runner





Ohhhhhhhhh acid green…….one of my fav’s





So, let me know if you want to be in my lil project. If you choose to take part, you will get the following:
-A cd of your pictures
-a fabulous, fun filled photo shoot
-your make-up done, by me!! I won’t hurt you….I swear.
-your lovely mug posted on my blog

Ok, you really don’t get much but I promise we will have fun.
So who is with me?

My version of being a desperate housewife.

As you all know, I am a domestic diva for the summer (or part of it anyway). This is my very last summer break as I will be starting grad school in the fall and will be busting ass for 2 years, summers included. I know, I know, you are all saying “I wish I had the summer off………..LUCKY”. But, it is not all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes, I feel like I may go crazy from boredom. So this is what happens on the days when the boredom has filled my brain, threatening to seep out of my eyeballs in the form of red, red, blood. Don’t judge me……

I CALL THIS SERIES, URBAN GEISHA













I like how the trees are crazy blurred, but I am not………lil’ photo trick



So what if I like to put strange make-up on my face and take pics of myself?
I have been dealing with the make-up thing for a long time. When I was 12 yrs old at my friend Courtney’s slumber party and the other gals were busy watching my fav movie Labyrinth, I decided to slip off into the bathroom to make my face up like David Bowie’s character. God, that man could wear the make-up.

ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba, l Want to BE SEDATED!

claus tro•phobe (Noun) A person who suffers from an abnormal fear of being in narrow or enclosed spaces.

. Gather round now, my little sugar puffs, and I’ll tell you a lil’ story. The story is a good one, because it is 100% true.
Sunday afternoon Dale, Josh, Lee and myself got ready to go to Josh’s compound to set up a pool table. Dale has a Mazda pickup with a tiny cab in the back that can seat two people. When two people sit back there, unless they are Mary Kate and Ashley, they have to sit facing each other and due to lack of space their knees touch. Dale’s truck was in the garage. The bed was filled with the pool table components. Josh and Lee had already squeezed themselves into the back. Dale was in the front driver’s seat ready to go. I came up to the passenger side and looked in. Immediately, my heart started racing which was followed by a lovely cold sweat.

Dale realized right away what was happening to me as he has seen me go through this before. He moved his giant cd case out of the truck and placed the 18 pack of beer that was on the floorboard (on my side of the vehicle) in the back with the boys. Still, I could not bring myself to get in.
Each time I tried, I would stick my torso about ¼ of the way in and quickly back out.
I thought “maybe if Dale pulls the truck out of the driveway, I won’t feel so cramped”. SO I asked him to do so and he complied.

After about a minute of trying I finally forced myself in the truck.

Here is the thing. I do not fell so claustrophobic in a cramped vehicle if it is on the highway. Our little troop, however, had to make two stops. On the way to Michaels, I rode in the truck with my arms and head sticking out. When we had to stop for lights, which happened 4 times, I felt the urge to stick my entire torso out the window…..which I did (how embarrassing).
Seriously, it felt like a 200lb person was sitting on my chest! I could not breath, I was panicked, my heart was racing, I was sweating, I even got tunnel vision a few times.

We pull up to Michaels and I ran in to get the shit for the pool table. While I was gone, Dale asked Lee, who was seated behind my seat, to try and move my seat back so that I would have more room. Lee, although he was already squashed like an accordion in full squeeze mode, was able to move my seat back a bit more.
When I got to the truck, Dale told me what they did. Too bad, this made things worse. See I was not only freaked about myself being cramped but seeing the boys packed in like a tin of sardines added to my anxiety. I had to move the seat back in its original position in order to get myself back into the hell mobile.

Next stop, Home Depot. Again, I went in. When I came back out and got in the car, Josh made a comment about his feat going numb. We were pulling out of the parking lot as he said so and I totally freaked out!

“Let me out, I have to get out!!” I Said as I clawed at the door handle. Dale sped off saying “there is no getting out Sarah”. This was smart, because If I got out at this point, I would have not gotten back in.
I almost started crying.
It sucked.
But, we got on 183 and things were ok…..eventually.

Yes, Elevators full of people make me nervous.
Yes, it took me about a dozen times of tanning in the bed to be able to pull the lid down over my body.
Yes, I have freaked out in a cramped car before. Once, I got out in the middle of Guadalupe. Another time, I tried to climb out of a sun roof.
Yes, I am going to be cremated when I die.
Yes, I am a freak.

Reunited and it feels so good!

Margaret is back in the city that loves her!!! For those of you who don’t know, Maggs was spending some time in Guatemala. She is a brave soldier for doing so. Any-hoo, some of us went out on the town to welcome her back. I don’t really remember all the bars we went to, but I know we ended up at the gay country bar where I danced with both Rachel and Margaret. Those other gals were probably soooooooooo jealous!

Yoshi

It has been discovered that Josh’s arm looks like a shelf. Lucky for him, he had somewhere to set his beer.

This summer, I want to:

Practice playing guitar
Get the North Austin Social Club going
Finish some scrapbooks
Drop some lb’s
Quit smoking………..
Do some volunteer work
Throw a few parties
Go to a few parties

And,








Become a contortionist




They say you need limber ligaments to be a contortionist.
I have that. You guys have seen the arms


I have been stretching a lil bit each day. So far, I can only do this

And I can’t do it that well. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Toodles!

The Brothers Lemon Perform Acrobatics

While staying as a guest at Casa de Lemon, Clint and Curtis (though he prefers to be called “Curt”) entertained me with a display of their talent. I myself am a complete gymnastic blunder, which is why I have decided that I am going to become a contortionist…much to my husband’s delight. SO, get ready for another series of pictures!!!!!!!!

First, Curt did some lovely backflips



Then, Clint decided to do a cartwheel. Curt did some as well but would not let me take pictures of him while in the midst of the action. “Sarah, let Clint do the cartwheel” he said.
Here is Clint:

Check out that toe pointing action!

Clint did one cartwheel after another in beautiful succession.


On his last Wheel of the Cart, Clint faltered ever so slightly on his landing



This is how he ended up


What a day.

Biker friends tattoo’s

Did my Biker friend think that I was going to post pic’s of her inked up back upon my blog?
NO….I don’t think she even knows that I have one.
Would she care if she found out?
Hell no
Does the first tattoo (in the small of her back) say “Daddy’s girl”?
You’re damn right.
Does the one below it say “Dalton”?
Yepper, that is her son (also my godson).
Did Dalton have a mullet for the first 4-5 years of his life???
Oh yea (he would still have it if it were not for those damn school rules that dictate the proper hair length for a boy!)
In Honor of my biker friend, I am posting the following. Let’s start with Laurie:

Nice red bra strap….love the D.A.R.E. shirt.

Next, How about Rachel and myself? Here ya go:

Rachel appears to be my biker lover….because she is!

Next……..LANDON KING from Lubbock, TX

IRON MAIDEN RULZ!

How about some of Colin? I have two that MUST be seen by all:

The Face


The Tummy

Amanda and Wyatt are not immune

Amanda looks nice and trashy, but I am not sure if her boy toy is dressed up or not…

OK time for DALE

Looks like he just smoked some “ice”

Margaret………that is not healthy!


Trish……..saved you for last baby doll

Mullets are for women too!